Something for Halz to read to welcome her to the wonderful world of blogging!!!

Hey Halz,
How goes it? Well i figured since you started a blog i though maybe i could continue mine. I don't think this thing sends out emails to people to say that i have posted again but i guess i will find out once i start getting into trouble again and once i start being questioned as to why...
I fixed yours up for you, just let me know if there is anything else you want me to do.
Well nothing much has really been happening considering i saw you all of yesterday and all of today as well. He he he i have a lump on each arm and they are saw from where i fell up the stairs at Castle Towers. Oh that was funny (keep ur shoes on).
Ahh it feels good to be back and posting, i think i will make sure i don't put anything personal in here anymore so i stay out of trouble. I'll just read yours *gives sneaky smile*
Yes well right now Domi is the only person on MSN and i don't wish to talk to her, i ain't got anything in common with her.
Dum dee dum dee dum dee doo.... Oh hang on i spot a Jacinta hiding in amongst the people... *waves*
Yeah well i might go now i think i have rambled on enough... feel free to comment as i know you like having ur opinion heard, lol.
Later Days.
Ginge

The Last Post

Ok this is going to be the last time i post. It's causing too many problems.
I don't want to hurt anyone or make anyone angry at me.
I thought this site would be good as i am hopeless at opening up apparenlty so this was a way for me to do it without confrontation, but it didn't work.
So from now on you will just have to ask me whatever you want to know whenever you see me and put up with my crappy half-hearted answers.

No later days.

Yep that's it

Ok, i decided just then not to go to the councillor with Sam (nothing against Sam, i love her for trying to help me) but i just feel that it would be too scary. I can do this by myself, i started it without help so i can stop it without help- hopefully. Besides, i didn't want to start talking to the councillor and then start crying. I hate crying, it's stupid-shows you're vulnerable.

Later days

the freedom of choice

Ok, well i think i am doing better if you don't include Friday, Saturday or Sunday. So in other words starting from last night i think i'm doing fine.
Sam wants me to see the councillor at her Uni. When i think about it i get scared. I have enough trouble speaking to people i know and trust about what i think is my problem, how am i going to go with a complete stranger. I know i don't have to go but it might help so i'm willing. Sam said she will go in with me which is a lot more comforting to me, she might be able to help guide the conversation or whatever is going to happen there.
I feel like such a burdon to everyone, Sam, the Starks, Jaz and Sam from school. The Starks are angry at me as i cannot keep my promise. I don't blame them although i still wish they weren't angry and would understand.

There is a report on self harm on Today Tonight, my family is watching it so i hope they don't ask to see my arms.

Later days.

Hopeless= Ginge

She did it, She cut herself. It was my fault. She showed me on the bus that she had tried but didn't succeed at piercing the skin and she had the sharp implement in her pocket but do you think i thought to take it off her? No! All i did was ask her why she did it and stupid bloody questions like that. I should have stopped her or at least have tried harder. I know what she's going through, why doesn't she listen to me and stop. No i haven't stopped but if she had not have started i might have not continued Friday night- i was doing so well. But she pissed me off so much and i felt so responsible for not being able to stop her. I got upset over her, I...... got upset. That just doesn't happen. Look what she's doing to me and she doesn't even realise. I should call Sam, i was told to call her if i was going to cut but i don't want to as she might get angry at me like everyone else yadda yadda yadda... plus she's probably busy and wouldn't have the time to talk. I can't call anyone else, nobody else understands.
AAAARRRGGGGHHHH..... what do i do???
Hayley cut on Friday before youth and i had to instruct her how to stop the bleeding as it was out of control and i wasn't able to see her right then. She understands but i don't want to talk to her, she is more tempermental then me and i'm hard to beat.

I feel so bad. I hit a lady at softball today by accident. It felt so good but i felt so guilty afterwards. I hit the ball straight to her at short stop and it hit her in the stomach coz it was fast and belly button height. I know it really wasn't my fault as she is there to play and catch the ball and that's what she should have done but still, i was responsible for her injury- although, it was a nice hit.

Still bleeding but i'll get over it... kinda stings, good, i derserve it.

Later days.

As Usual...

As i predicted, i let them down (if you're confuzzled please read previous post about letting someone down). I made a promise and i didn't even keep it for one day last week and i thought this wek would be different. I guess it was kinda different, i lasted until last night even though that wasn't very long. I am so, so sorry.

I handed in my PIP, actually amazed that i got it done. Yay! Go me... the teacher buyed us cake to celebrate. thanks Ms.

Today i girl that i catch the bus with started telling me stuff about how she has been feeling. From what is sounds like, she has caught the bus too many times with me. She said in the holidays she'd pick up a knife or a pair of scissors and just look at them wondering if she should cut herself.
I really didn't know what to say to her, i'd only ever had the occasional conversation with her and that was usually about school. She kinda scared me when she sat next to me and started talking to me. But i didn't mind, i figured it was better she told me than not tell anyone and start hurting herself. I don't know how she went today, i didn't see her this afternoon due to finishing time differences. I really hope she is ok and knows that she can always talk to me again if needed. Always knew these things on the side of my head would come in handy.

Well i finally got my own computer again only this time it's better as i have the internet hooked up in my bedroom. Yay!!!

Mrs Roberts (my PD teacher) said she isn't going to be nice to Jasmine and i anymore, i didn't think she was nice to us in the first place so now i think we are in trouble.

Yeah so the main point to this blog was that i broke my promise and feel extremely bad about it. They are going to be angry at me again.

Later days

Delayed reaction...

Well, i've had a lot of time to think lately even with a major assessment that is due on Monday not finished.
 
I'm going to stop cutting and burning. I'm not quite sure how yet, apparenlty i need a 'ventilation system'... i dunno. I haven't done anything since either Monday or Tuesday, i can't quite remember. No i lie, it would've been Wednesday with Dad's lighter. That was cool.
 
I cried last night coz of something i was told. Pom and Matt said they cared about me. I'm not used to that and i feel that they shouldn't care about me as i will only let them down. I think i have a habit of doing that (but i'm allowed to care about them coz i said). They said they were angry at me coz of what i was doing. That hurt me but they have the right, i don't want to hurt them.
 
This weekend is a busy one. I have to finish and i guess in a sense start my PIP that is due on Monday, i have my info but my problem is i haven't really decided on a topic. I have a couple to chose from and info on all of them, i guess i will decide on Sunday, lol.
 
Did you know that when you drink through a straw you don't actually suck the liquid up??? It's amazing. You just create a low pressure system in your mouth by sucking in and then coz the air pressure outside your body is higher it pushes down on the liquid and pushes it up the straw coz liquid moves from a high pressure to low pressure. Yeah i learned that today in science. Not many people understood so i was amazed that i did. Although it did sound familiar so i might have already learnt it.
 
"Love is only a feeling, drifting away. And when i'm in your arms i start believing, it's here to stay. But love is only a feeling..." -The Darkness
 
Later Days

ahh why not..

OK so i thought of some more to write about.
This thought has been in my head for a little while now.
 
There are certain people and if they read this they will probably know who they are straight away.
I think these people are ignoring me. I think i've done something to upset them but they haven't told me.So i'm kinda worried about that. I know if i ask them they'll say the answer is not so i'm not going to bother.
 
yeah i know that is like nothing but i just needed to say it. There is something else about them but i can't say that, it will be wa-a-a-a-y too obvious.
 
Later Days

Something for my fans and airconditioners

Ok so by popular demand (not quite sure why) but yeah i have decided to write some more- i know some of you are saying "damn!"
Not much to say, or that i can't say. Mrs Roberts found me today, damn woman is still trying to help me, i think she just wants a friend. I'm usually a nice person if she just asks i will be her friend.
 
Louise found me too, i'm not doing too good with the hole hiding thing today, had quite a shocker. But that wasn't anything bad.
 
Amy was upset. I'm not too sure why but all i know is that she cried all day. So i gave her my sunglasses to wear so nobody would notice. Umm... discovered last night that we have NO sharp knifes in our house what so ever.
 
 Also dicovered that one of my friends used to cut. Now this person i would never have guessed but she is so cool. She has offered to help me (i feel kinda stupid) and she even said that i open up to her, now that is a miracle. Somebody is happy with the level and degree of information i give them about my life, emotional state and feeling.
 
Ok NEWS UPDATE!!! Just was told that Amy was eating glass. Now is it just me or is that bad for you... i'm no expert but... ah huh!
 
Argh.. yeah not much else to say unless i talk about me so i guess i will leave it at that.
 
Later days

Meh...

I didn't post yesterday, it all got a bit much for me. I was thinking (i know to most of you that would be a very weird thing for me to do).
I can't help my friend, they obviously are either too stubborn or they don't want help. I want to do something but they are not being receptive.
 
Like i said, last night it all got too much for me. I didn't speak to anyone apart from ppl at softball and that is coz i had to- you know, just the usual "hi" and "bye". I sat in my room all last night, not even replying to msg's on my phone. I found a needle (sterile of course, safety first, lol) and a screw driver in my bedside table. It really is amazing what a 'philips head' can do.
 
I just got home from church, got 2 letters off Hayley, full of information. Trish didn't even talk to me, acted as if i wasn't even there and i knew nothing about what was happening until she said goodbye. That pissed me off. Is she back with Geoff? Were they just acting so no-one else would suspect anything? I'm sick of being dragged into their relationship mess and then just dropped until needed again. I won't do it anymore. I'm sure there is someone else she can use.
 
I actually wanted to come home tonight, i knew everyone would be in bed so it was ok and i was sick of being mocked by people who i trust. I know i'm horrible but they don't have to try and match me.
 
I have 3 assessments to do, i want to do one of them but the other 2 i don't, i'll just try and get out of them. Anyways better go before i dig a bigger hole for myself- maybe at least then i'll have somewhere to bury myself.
 
Later days.